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Discussing sex and sexual issues with teenagers can be a intimidating task, especially for parents. Just how media venues depict sex and sexuality has shaped societal perceptions and created an openness that has been a lot more muted when I was a woman. When my daughter was on the point of enter middle school I felt we needed to have a discussion on the ramifications and risks connected with sex. My daughter had already explained about a fourteen year old girl she knew was pregnant and that a thirteen year old peer who had already had an STD twice. This last little bit of information had been garnered in the sex education curriculum the school district used as part of ‘health’ in the sixth grade for children whose parents gave permission for his or her child to attend the class.

Opening and sustaining a shared dialog between teens and a parent is paramount as, developmentally and emotionally, most teens are somewhere between adolescence and adulthood no matter what their chronological age. Serious discussions, especially concerning peers or social-emotional issues must be approached carefully. The key would be to not alienate teenagers by minimizing the value of their knowledge or experience, to be casual instead of demanding, not to lecture, also to include them in the discussion. Parents have to listen in addition to talk no matter what the topic of a discussion is they’re having making use of their sons and daughters.

To make sure I was up to date and able to take on this task I did research on the net and at the local public library. I garnered information from the local chapter of Planned Parenthood and the County Health Department. 24 Hour Party Playmates com I got statistics on teen pregnancy, single parents, and other data from the Kansas Kids Count book. All states collect statistical data by city, county, township, and provide that data through some type of written source. At that point I felt ready to sit back and attempt to speak to my daughter, hoping she wouldn’t be too embarrassed to talk to her ‘mother’.

I waited until my son, who was simply ten at the time, was on a camping trip along with his Boy Scout troop. My hubby worked second shift and was at the job. I was watching a movie with my daughter on television and I casually introduced the subject of boys, asking if she had a boyfriend. I was well aware that parents tend to be the last to know whenever a child has her first boyfriend. Although my daughter didn’t have a boyfriend yet, she added that she didn’t want a boyfriend because guys expected the girl to give up all her friends, didn’t want them to have other regular friends who have been boys, and just wanted sex, whether that has been oral sex or physical copulation. She had learned this from a close girlfriend who was coping with her first boyfriend and who had confided in my own daughter, needing someone to talk to.

This is the opening I had been looking forward to. First I told my daughter that I wasn’t trying to insinuate she had engaged in heavy petting or sex, and I wasn’t trying to lecture, that I simply wanted to make sure she had the various tools and knowledge needed if she were ever drawn to a guy physically or emotionally. I told her to jump in and correct me if she felt I were wrong or misguided about anything, to let me know if I was making her feel uncomfortable, also to share any information that she may have since my intent was not to lecture or coerce.
I talked about the lengths many boys would head to get physical including telling the girl he loved her and would never cheat on her and if she loved him she’d take part in a sexual act with him, or threatening to break up with the girl if she would not surrender to his sexual advances. My daughter added a peer had also suffered through the experience of having a man tell his friends and male peers at school they had “oral sex”, an act which hadn’t even taken place.

This in turn resulted in a discussion on how a girl might respond to an identical situation. I gave my sympathy for what another girl was going right through by stating that this lie had to be very painful for the girl. I also explained that many guys, during their teen years often liked to brag about their conquests whether real or implied, so as to convince peers of these sexual prowess. We discussed some options my daughter’s friend usually takes, including ignoring the guy and some of his friends who might make advances or snide remarks, to inform the guy that she feels sorry he has to lie so that you can feel important, or tell him she is not even going to dignify his lie with a reply.

My daughter responded that if it happened to her she’d tell the guy loudly and in front of his friends, “maybe in your dreams” with heavy sarcasm. This was among teenage bravado, something that could hold my daughter along with other teens in good stead. I agreed that creating embarrassment for a man might work. By having a mutual and open dialog from the very beginning, I could interject a plethora of information. My daughter added little tidbits and asked some very intelligent questions.

At one point I stressed to my daughter that I hoped she would wait until marriage and that I had not been condoning sexual activity beyond marriage. I added that I was aware that I’d haven’t any control over any decision she’d eventually make regarding any sexual activity or when she chose to become sexually active and that my definitive goal was to get ready her for that eventuality. We discussed different sexually transmitted diseases and their symptoms, even though kids in the community had received some of that information during sex education.

My daughter brought up the subject of peers who took alternate precautions in order to avoid an unwanted pregnancy as the male did not desire to wear a prophylactic. I was then able to let her understand that the sexual ‘myths’ that many uninformed teens believe certainly are a complete fallacy. Those myths included utilizing the rhythm method would dramatically decrease the probability of an unwanted pregnancy, as would having the young man pull out of the girl’s body before ejaculating, and learning when the fertile portion of the girl’s cycle using body temperature, etc. to ensure they did not take part in sex during that time period.

I was asked about oral sex and if the act was sex, per se? My response was that yes, this is a sexual act that served to safeguard the guy from having a girl get pregnant, but that it is degrading to the girl and disrespectful. The girl could still get STDs like herpes and Chlamydia and AIDS, as could the guy, depending on how promiscuous both parties have been in the past. It was through the discussion on oral sex that I learned that a significant large numbers of my daughter’s peers were engaging in that sexual act as ways to “pleasure their boyfriends rather than get pregnant.”

I talked to my daughter, and later, my son, about the different types of love including infatuation, hormonal, lust, love for someone of the opposite sex that was non-sexual, and the deep emotional love that is included with the maturity of adulthood. I explained that a relationship, at any age, can rarely be sustained for any length of time if it’s built primarily on sex, which was also one major reason many relationships end up in divorce court or separation and abandonment if the couple is not married.

Last, I asked my daughter to take into account weighing any future decisions she might consider regarding sex meticulously, considering all the benefits and drawbacks. To use protection as a way of avoiding STDs also to combine the usage of a prophylactic with a foam or other contraceptive as a prophylactic can be, or become damaged. I also informed her I knew she’d never come to me with the info that she was going to engage in sex but that I would let her then twenty-six year old half sister understand that she had my permission to help her get birth control pills at that time. I did so include the information that abstinence may be the only guarantee she wouldn’t get an STD or have a baby.

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